At work, sitting at my desk, staring out the window. the only view I have through the vertical blinds is of a building that has the same vertical pattern. everything from my desk to the window and out to the building is gray, although the small piece of sky I can see is blue (in the late afternoon). I'm really tired and have been working on this project going on 4 weeks now. Not complaining I do the work and am very grateful to have it. BUT.... as grateful as I am to be employed and have the ability to provide for my family I can no longer pretend to go along with the Script. It's no longer getting harder and harder to put on that charade of wanting to drive 2 1/2 hours, sit at a desk and do what I'm told through the silence of my boss who gives her directive through long pauses and miscommunications. It's no longer getting harder because I am beyond that point of trying to conform to it. and while I'm at work I keep staring out that window and ask a simple question. I do this every morning when I sit down before anyone else gets in. I ask "how do I get out of here?" I never have an answer to that question I just simply day dream about living in the mountains spending the days drinking coffee and writing my next novel.
Something interesting happened this morning, I caught myself asking that very same question and drifting off to that warm and soft daydream. I took the time to analyze what I was doing. And I realized my little ritual was taking me further from getting closer to my dream. This is what I found my self doing:
1) asking a very non specific question that had no constructive answer
2) not answering my question and just using it as a lubricant to
3) slip into my little warm dream state where I could stay as long as I wanted
and as harmless as this all seemed I realized it was causing more damage in the long run (obviously) because I was building an internal environment that was satisfying the "now". there was no plan to actually do anything about my situation because I wasn't giving myself the opportunity to really identify the problem. I was merely stating my opposition to my life's current situation by reflecting "how do I get out of here?" well, shit I don't know, maybe you could come up with a fucking plan.
I'm a big proponent of minimalism and so not knowing how to come up with a plan right then and there at my desk, I realized I needed to take some sort of action that would get me a step closer to my dream. and so I through away everything on my desk keeping only my laptop, monitor, notepad and pen. it was quite a spectacle and I hadn't realized one of my coworkers was watching me. when I was done he came up to me cautiously and asked if everything was ok. I told him I was just cleaning up a little. to which he asked "are you 'leaving'?"
Needless to say, I believe that was a step in the right direction.
