re-learning to have fun

as this is a place to explore and experiment, I've decided to stray outside the lines (maybe one day I'll get the courage to completely annihiate those lines, but for now stray does me just fine.)

so I've really been taking things in my life way too seriously. while at work the other day I was thinking back to some nicknames I've been given at different places I've worked at. One of those nicknames was "the machine". it was a name I was proud of, because to me it meant people saw me a someone who didn't fuck off and got my shit done and handed in on time. A better name than say "Fuck Face" as the girl who sits next to me likes to call everyone she gets off the phone with. So yes, in those regards, "the machine" is perferable.

But I'm now in a new position at work that I honestly don't want to be in. At the same time extremely greatful for the opportunity I've been given to work where I am. and having my bouts with mental illness, poverty and closer to homelessness then not, I am no one to even be less than on my hands and knees thanking whatever is the whatever that has given me all this.
which is why, I think, I am so serious with shit.

and I've made it a goal, a vow, or promise to start taking situations so serious. I've been coming home with screwed up headaches where my left eye will spasm and close shut. if I open it will be a bleating throbbing that throws me onto the floor in pain. (nice, I know. My wife thinks it's 'almost sexy' in a get over yourself dramaQueen kind of way)

she's right. and I'm really getting tired of staring people so intently in the face when they talk to me they look away. I used to think that kicked-ass that I could do that. make people look away. like I had won our little invisible intergalactic battle of soul domination.

fuck that, I'm going to start doing something quacky every day. I'm not sure what that'll be. I might go as far as pushing the up button on the elevator when I really want to go down.

the process of learning

It's hard to call these failures when in fact you learn from them. I was doing well right up until Sunday night. I never got over my fatigue and feeling like crap, which is all very expected. Why did I stop this time? I don't know, I was feeling pain - too much I suppose. it's easy to start justifying why you should stop at times like these, you're at your most vulnerable. I let my mind get the better of me.

I tried to keep thing under control when I decided I needed to loosen the strings and I have maintained a pretty descent level of nutrition. But obviously I'm no longer maintain the ultra low carb. I'm not going to sit here and gripe about how 'my body do well with only meat' or 'low carb is unhealthy' or 'going this extreme is not the right approach' obviously there is wieght to each one of those arguments, but how long can that go on? we always reach back for our comfort zone when the pain kicks in.

There has to be lessons learned when these experiences happen. I look at these failures, and I certainly have no problem labeling this as such, as opportunities to learn. so what did I learn from this? that running the same pattern and consistently failing is not working. try something different. what is that 'different'? not sure. But I know there is some serious value in stripping out the 'bad' carbs. but all the carbs...not exactly working for me. I think carb cycling makes sense, but then again so does fasting, and then again so does counting calories. quite a few approaches to think about. but the one that I really think is the right approach, at least for me, is making small changes over a long period of time. And ridding out the crap-carbs. And exercising. And drinking water.

It really comes down to what works best for you. and sometimes identifying what 'doesn't' work is the best way to discover what 'does' work.

day 7 down 6 but feeling like crap!

current weight: 198
goal weight:180
down 6lbs.

feeling very tired. no energy. bad headaches. weighed in and lost 6 lbs which I was surprised at. really, really feeling like walking away from this. but won't (can't).
in a lot of pain with zero energy.

This by far is the hardest day.
going to make coffee and eat some eggs. Hopefully that will help...

Made it beyond Day 5!

I made it passed day 5 and am now into day 6. I feel great! I have much more energy. No headaches like I expected probably from all the water I've been drinking.

My carb level has not gone above 20 grams once in the last 5 days. The one thing I am truly surprised about is my hunger has totally subsided. I don't have any urges to binge at all! There have been a few minor pangs but nothing to note really.

A small victory for getting past Day 5, but the next fall down point is Day 7 (tomorrow). the last is Day 9 and I'm not sure why that is. But every time I have attempted to get back onto this plan I was never ever able to get beyond the 9th day. Well you can bet the horses that I'm going to sprint past 9!!

and tomorrow is my first weigh in....

past the falling down point

current weight = 204
goal weight = 180
carbs = 20g

Well I succeeded in making it beyond my last falling down point which was 2.75 days. I'm actually feeling really good and have noticed that I'm not getting urges to binge. My calories have been quite low (around 1000) before I eat dinner so I'm surprised I'm not really noticing all this.

my carbs have been closer to 15 than 20. the one thing I changed this time was not putting cremer in my coffee. I switched to a sugar-free coffee flavoring by daVinci's. I'm really surprised at how good it is. I don't even notice.

so tomorrow is start of day 4 and the next falling down point for me has typically been day 5 (in the afternoon). I usually start this on Monday and by Friday night I'm a savage beast wielding a handful of pixie stix and fistfuls of bread.

Not this time. Don't think so? Really? well then, watch my friend. watch as I make it even beyond day 5.... (oohhh goes the crowd...jeez not day 5)

you didn't think I was going to give up that easily did you...

well, as a matter of fact, no I'm not. I go through this quite often convincing myself there is no way to get beyond this mental block. But I knew it all along, it's just part of the process. And in part I bring you act II, where I start over (again and again).

current weight = 204 (looks like my little binge cost me another pound.)
goal weight = 180

Day I:
total carbs < 20

oops, that didn't go so well

hmmm...well I made it 2.75 days and then it was over. Ah yes, the low carb lifestyle is great in theroy until the cravings, light headedness, headaches and this time my legs felt heavy. really really heavy. I felt like they were numb at times. I had my carbs down to 10 grams for almost three days and fell off hard. here let me recap:

I was doing great, I had just finished off another egg salad and almost got through my gallon of water and then....it ended and I ate

2 huge chocolate cookies
1 bean burrito
5 handful of tortilla chips
10 gummy bears
5 hersey kisses
4 tablespoons of jiffy peanut butter
1/2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich

yeah, that didn't go very well and it ends up like this every time I attempt this. This would be my 17th restart over 2 years (none lasting longer than 5 days). looking at the basic math of this little experiment my conclusion is that this doesn't work at all (for me) I'm off to work on something more sensible and sustainable. I'll keep this blog up with my nutrition journey. But for now, I am no longer going back to low carb. at least not in that form. Looking at the things I devoured above I'd say I'm in far worse shape than before I started.

12 more days to go

current weight: 203
target weight: 180
feeling good today, getting a slight headache and minor sugar cravings and feeling slightly light headed but not bad. I'm drinking lots of water (1 gallon) that seems to be helping a lot. mostly
focusing on the next 3 days as thats when the carb crash will happen. I've got my tylenol ready.

The biggest aspect of this approach is that it is all mental focus. the minute you let someone interfere with that focus you're pretty much done. For me I'm approaching this strictly from a mind challenge

day 1 (again)

current weight 203
goal 180

feeling fine. no headaches.
yesterday's carb was too high at 150
taking that down to 20 for next 14 days

day 1

starting weight 203
goal weight 180

carbs at 75