as this is a place to explore and experiment, I've decided to stray outside the lines (maybe one day I'll get the courage to completely annihiate those lines, but for now stray does me just fine.)
so I've really been taking things in my life way too seriously. while at work the other day I was thinking back to some nicknames I've been given at different places I've worked at. One of those nicknames was "the machine". it was a name I was proud of, because to me it meant people saw me a someone who didn't fuck off and got my shit done and handed in on time. A better name than say "Fuck Face" as the girl who sits next to me likes to call everyone she gets off the phone with. So yes, in those regards, "the machine" is perferable.
But I'm now in a new position at work that I honestly don't want to be in. At the same time extremely greatful for the opportunity I've been given to work where I am. and having my bouts with mental illness, poverty and closer to homelessness then not, I am no one to even be less than on my hands and knees thanking whatever is the whatever that has given me all this.
which is why, I think, I am so serious with shit.
and I've made it a goal, a vow, or promise to start taking situations so serious. I've been coming home with screwed up headaches where my left eye will spasm and close shut. if I open it will be a bleating throbbing that throws me onto the floor in pain. (nice, I know. My wife thinks it's 'almost sexy' in a get over yourself dramaQueen kind of way)
she's right. and I'm really getting tired of staring people so intently in the face when they talk to me they look away. I used to think that kicked-ass that I could do that. make people look away. like I had won our little invisible intergalactic battle of soul domination.
fuck that, I'm going to start doing something quacky every day. I'm not sure what that'll be. I might go as far as pushing the up button on the elevator when I really want to go down.
